Different Doesn’t Equal Difficult. Different Equals Different.

“She’s difficult.” “He’s hard work.” “They’re too quiet.” “They ask too many questions.”

How often do you hear these phrases in the workplace? Or even at home?

So I turn the table and ask you –

Are they actually difficult or are they simply different to you?

Because different doesn’t equal difficult.

Different equals different.

As human, we judge (naturally) other people’s behaviour through our own lens, we naturally make sense of other people by comparing their behaviour with our own.

If you make decisions quickly, someone who needs time to consider the detail before making a decision, can, naturally, feel frustrating to you.

If you love talking ideas through, adding in your own stories, perhaps even going off target before you get back to the idea, then someone who wants you to “just get to the point” can feel abrupt and maybe a little rude.

If you value harmony, perhaps a quieter workspace, the a direct colleague can feel aggressive.

If you are someone who wants things in order, more precision and structure, then  someone who changes direction halfway through a conversation can feel chaotic.

Neither person is necessarily wrong, it is simply that we experience the same situation but through a different behavioural lens, our own lens and when someone if the polar opposite to us in terms of their preferences, we can find it triggering.

Thing is in business (and personally to be honest) we often down take the time to stop and understand why or our difference, we are incredibly quick to judge others and turn their difference into difficult.

Cautious becomes slow.

Confident becomes arrogant.

Enthusiastic becomes overwhelming.

Reserved becomes disengaged.

Direct becomes rude.

And notice what happen when we “label” we start looking for evidence that proves us right, which then cements our thoughts, and that’s the thing, they are OUR thoughts not truth, OUR beliefs, not fact.

What’s the commercial cost of “difficult”

This isn’t just about everyone playing nicely; that’s very “cute” this is understanding that misunderstood behaviour costs businesses money. Nothing cute in that.

It creates unnecessary conflict, slows decisions, can causes talented people to become disengage and LEAVE the business this erodes TRUST and overtime this can create a TOXIC company culture.

I’ve seen it – I’ve worked in it – IT’S WHY I DO WHAT I DO. So this doesn’t happen.

Managers spend time resolving personality clashes that may actually be communication clashes.

Employees leave managers they believe don’t understand them. We all know the saying “people join an organisation but leave a manager” We only need to read the annual Gallop reports to see that the figures don’t shift.

Teams avoid challenging conversations because someone has been labelled “difficult”.

Then the companies innovation suffers because people learn that fitting in is safer than bringing a different perspective.

That makes understanding human behaviour a COMMERCIAL SKILL, not a soft one. This isn’t a NICE to HAVE – its a MUST HAVE

What can you do ? (Other than bring in someone like me to help you)

Start first with curiosity before judgement

The next time somebody’s behaviour triggers you, resist the temptation to immediately decide what their behaviour means.

Instead, PAUSE and ask:

What else could be going on here?

Could their questions mean they simply need more certainty or clarification of a point rather than that they’re challenging you?

Could their silence mean they’re processing the data you have given them rather than they have become disengaged?

Could their directness come from urgency and previous experience rather than rude / abrupt or even disrespectful?

Could their enthusiasm just comply be how they connect with others rather than being seen as someone who is showy, unprofessional or trying to dominate?

And remember that culture, lived experience, values, beliefs, environment and personality can all influence how someone communicates and responds.

Human behaviours has many levels –  think of it like an onion with many layers, altogether quite fixed and firm, but when you peel each one back, this is much easier to understand.

You don’t have to like every behaviour, in fact I don’t think we CAN like EVERY behaviour – sometimes I don’t like my own behaviour – that’s normally when I stop myself and look in the mirror and say “no one needs see your Miranda Priestly today Vic”

Understanding difference doesn’t mean accepting poor behaviour or removing accountability.

It means separating “this person behaves differently to me” from “this person is difficult.”

What’s it like to be on the receiving end of you?

There’s another side to this conversation.

While you’re wondering why somebody else is so difficult, they may be having exactly the same conversation about you. STOP in the moment and look in the mirror at your behaviours and wonder of all what you have read above, which behaviour best describes you – now look around in your organisations and ask – who is different to me, who is polar opposite to me and how do I land with them ……..

This is a two way field – different doesn’t not equal difficult, different equals different,

It starts with understanding the impact you have on them.

And organisations that learn to understand the difference don’t just build better relationships.

They build better businesses.

Queen of Behaviours
I help organisations understand the human behaviour happening underneath communication, conflict and performance, turning behavioural awareness into something leaders and teams can actually use.

If your organisation could benefit from fewer “difficult people” and more people who understand their differences, let’s talk.